Pursue peace with all people, and holiness without which no one will see the Lord; looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up, causing trouble, and by this many become defiled… (Hebrews 12:14,15)
Sometimes we get in modes where things like JUSTICE, BEING RIGHT, VALIDATION all seem to be so important. Sometimes those things are important. What I am learning right now, is that the bigger issue is my heart. The majority of the time that I spend with God is focused on keeping my heart right. Does it work? Sometimes. Othertimes, I stare at myself in the mirror and just realize how much sin, vileness and depravity is really in me. It is scary.
Why do I bring all this to your attention today? Because last night I got my feelings hurt. The hows and wheres aren’t terribly important, but I got hurt. It is an ongoing situation, that has not had any resolution and it continues to be painful to me. Last night, I was faced with multiple options. I could judge them, tell them to shove off, ignore all of it and just talk about it with other people, I could hope for vengeance, I could wish for restitution, I could dream of the butt-chewing of a lifetime that I would like to give… However, none of that does any good for anyone. Period.
The only thing that matters is my heart before God. I MUST do everything that I can to keep my heart surrendered, soft and pure before God. The only thing that keeping this hurt/offense/pain does is push my heart farther towards bitterness. Bitterness drives me away from God’s presence. It creates an odd addiction. An addiction to self. An addiction to thinking about it all. It does absolutely nothing for my pursuit of Christ.
It is difficult to do. It seems that it is taking awhile to heal. I do alright for awhile and then something happens (like last night) and I am thinking/dealing/fighting with all of it again. But I am NOT going to let it beat me. I am going to stay soft-hearted before God.
One last thought process, speaking as someone who is leading more and more. This topic/battle is one of the biggest. I have watched as one person got their ‘feathers’ ruffled and then it spreads. That is a very bad thing for a flock. It is bad for them. It is bad for the individual. It is bad for the group. It is very bad. I just hope that I keep myself from ever allowing that ‘root’ to enter a group through my life.
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well written
Comment by joshmickelson June 23, 2008 @ 10:35 amthank you for your honesty, hoshi. offenses hurt, but holding on to an offense kills. I heard someone say once that “un-forgiveness is a poison you drink hoping the other person will die”. Always remember the parable about the man who was forgiven much but couldn’t forgive little-nothing hurts God’s heart more. I’m not saying it is easy to release a person, but it is necessary. I love you and will be praying for you!!
Comment by thatgirlkate June 23, 2008 @ 10:53 amYou have incredible depth and insight into this. Guarding your heart from things that separate you from God is by far one of the most valuable skills that a person can have. And it becomes especially hard in light of the fact that the softer you keep your heart, the easier it is for people to injure it. You are dealing with this painful situation with so much integrity and a heart that is right before God. I’m impressed.
Comment by annettebudd June 23, 2008 @ 10:58 am[...] “Addiction to self…to thinking about it all” is very descriptive of the confusion I see so many people engage in when they try to rationalize a position which, logically and/or Godly, they know is wrong or which they cannot reconcile. So often in life, in politics, in religion, we spend most or all of our time discussing non-issues, or if not non-issues, then issues which are not terribly important in the end. [...]
Pingback by The distraction of “thinking about it all.” « 1or2thoughts June 23, 2008 @ 12:53 pmlove this article
Comment by jeffpsj June 24, 2008 @ 6:17 ami am reminded of jedi master Yoda, “fear leads to anger anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” i had that run across my mind as i read one of the paragraphs. it just kind of reinforced what you said. im my mind at least.
Comment by oohryuhh June 24, 2008 @ 2:37 pm