Josh Brage


Please Don’t Mistake This For Despair
October 21, 2005, 7:49 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Greetings! A lot of thinking has transpired this week. What in the world happened? What has happened to Christianity? I have seen Christian success. I have been a part of a closely-knit group of people who are all revolutionaries. I have tasted His presence in a deep, intimate way countless times on my own, in small groups in large settings. I have read the books, preached the sermons, sang the songs and cried the tears. Where is what I want? (“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”!!!) That success quickly became silliness. The revolutionaries hurt me and I them and are now running scared hurt and frustrated from the life that they believed would make them happy that ended up leaving them hurt, confused and hopeless. Their dreams have been torn up and now see farther away from their grasp then they ever did. Those moments of closeness with God, though precious are like a high that once you get you enjoy, but it never fully satisfies. The books become inane rhetoric, the sermons ring fake even in my own ears, the songs are just songs (if they were ever more than that) and the tears still keep coming though they never seem to do any good.
I looked to this life to make me happy, to fulfill me. It didn’t work. My life hasn’t worked. So something must be dramatically incorrect about my philosophy and that is scary because I KNEW it had to be right. I did the things that I was supposed to. Oh, maybe it was just external – oh NO, no it wasn’t, it was real. But now, why am I at this place between complete faith and complete doubt and not really sure which side I am going to end up on? I know that Jesus is the answer. But there seem to be so many questions. How? Why? What? I know that I love God, in fact I am pretty sure that I am chasing Him harder than I ever have before.
I have a lot more understanding for confused Christians than I used to. Now, I am one.

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