Josh Brage


Punctuation
January 16, 2007, 7:59 pm
Filed under: Office

Let me talk to all of you who believe that punctuation is like a rental car, there to be abused. You know who you are. You are that person who is constantly freaking out about something and believe that it is necessary to communicate that to the world via text and 8 thousand exclamation points!!!! You know what? We, the recipients of your perpetual problems, really don’t care any more. You are the person who’s email will simply file away and get to later today maybe before we leave, maybe tomorrow morning. The exclamation points simply communicate to us, “no matter what you do for me, I will not be happy and I will have another so-called “fire” for you to put out – so take whatever time you darn well please because it just won’t matter.”

Now let’s talk to the person who uses multiple question marks after any question. Do you know who that person is???? Again, this does not mandate us to reply to your question any sooner or with any extra accuracy. It merely says that you are always confused and that as soon as I answer your question I will be locked in to a 8 email long chain with you before you realize that I answered your question two weeks ago. Take this example – “How much is shipping this and that to Holland?????” I reply, “It will ship from Ireland and cost 121 pounds.” Within 1.18 minutes you reply, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT IS IN DOLLARS?????” See, I can’t solve your problems, they are deep and they are emotional.

Finally, let me talk to you the perpetual ellipse abuser. You know . . . who you are. You are the person who stands in the face of grammatic-correctness and says, “Why use a comma when I can use three dots instead?” This William Shatner-esque attempt at creating drama and clarity does the complete opposite – it drives us crazy trying to figure out what in the world you are trying to say and why in the world it takes you three paragraphs to say it! Just stop it! As a good rule of thumb – don’t use ellipses. Just don’t, no one needs them.

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